


Ghosts

by Coymoonrising



Series: Remus Lupin Drabbles [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Prisoner of Azkaban, Professor Lupin - Freeform, The Marauders Map - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 15:36:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5253704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coymoonrising/pseuds/Coymoonrising
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Professor Lupin confiscates the Marauders Map from Harry, Remus is faced with a piece of his past that he thought lost for sure. But as one of the authors, he knows that the Map will respond to a wand. And there are so many unanswered questions in his heart, all these years later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghosts

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

The words were old. And the speaker, older. Part of him never expected to say them again, and another part of him laughs at the notion, because how could they ever truly leave him? They were a part of him, of his history. Messre Moony may have seen many things and been many faces in the time since he had last seen the Map. But he would always, always be a Marauder. 

The situation was unbecoming of a Marauder, though, and Professor Remus Lupin could not help but wonder at what the four of them would have thought of one of their lot becoming a professor at Hogwarts. The names wandering the hallways were not those of his time, but the Map still functioned perfectly. There hadn’t been another group like the Marauders in many years, and so for Remus to find it in the possession of James Potter’s only son was something of an appropriate, unfortunate accident. Appropriate in that the boys who authored the Map would surely have bequeathed the Map to a rightful heir. Unfortunate in that Messre Moony, the man, was the sole bearer of the knowledge of their demise, and of Harry’s own unfair burdens. He could not travel freely while Sirius Black was determined to hunt him. And though Remus would feel no shame whatsoever in bestowing Harry the Map, the war that tore apart the authors now continued to haunt their sons. The Map was a liability now, something it was never intended to be. And that was another tragedy entirely. 

Remus took a long drought of tea from his favorite mug, avoiding the chip in the rim that he could have fixed long ago if it wasn’t sentimental. When he dropped it as a child and cut his finger, he cried for an hour straight. Back when his biggest worries were how to avoid bed time, dropping his mother’s mug was as disastrous as they come. Sometimes, when he drank from it, he could still feel the band-aid on his wound and his mother’s fingers gently running up and down the length of his own. The sound of her voice soothing his tears away sent a ghost of mourning fluttering through his chest. He replaced the cup in the damnable ring on his desk, watching the leaves swirl in the bottom of his mug, and Remus half wondered if Sybil would see the Grim in his cup as well. He banished the thought with an incredulous snort and pulled the Map closer to him.  
  
And closed it. 

His wand was already laying across the desk beside a pile of papers in need of correction, and Remus only noticed one of those things as he snatched up his wand. With a downward slope in his wrist, he placed the tip against the ancient parchment but did not utter a word. The old Map knew him, after all. This wand was one of it’s parents. It would know what to do. 

_“Messre Moony is astonished at what has become of him.”_

_“Messre Prongs would like to state his surprise that one of our own would ever become a professor.”_

_“Messre Wormtail agrees, and wonders how such an act of treason could ever be justified.”_

Remus purposefully gulps down another large mouthful of tea before the final response can appear. Even if he wanted to read it, he debated whether he could. It was hard enough being in the school at all anymore, surrounded by memories that he could only wonder were meaningless after all. He had avoided many places in the school entirely at first, not for lack of reminiscent desire but because twelve years, it seemed, was still not enough to completely heal the scars left behind when James and Lily died. Now, to be surrounded by them, of childhood memories, was a bittersweet pleasure marked by intense pains. Sirius Black would come for Harry. Remus was certain of that. And now, the Map may turn into something else: a tool of destruction. When Sirius did come, Remus needed to be ready. And now, maybe with this, he would be.

At least then, he could still keep his secret about the Marauders, about their foolish group traipsing through the grounds in the deep  night with a fully fledged monster in tow—and, a dangerous, unregistered werewolf as well. But Remus missed those nights. He missed his friends. He missed Hogwarts—not the place he knew now, but the place it was then. And Remus missed Sirius, but the thought made him want to throw the mug clean across the room and enjoy the sound as it shattered like his life had all those years before because of one man’s deed. 

Hands shaking, Remus stood, his chair scraping hard against the hardwood floor as he did. His wand clattered to the desk and he paced his office, trying to catch the breath he found suddenly stolen from him at all the unsteady thoughts. His mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings and he wanted them to stop, clenching his hands into fists and breathing deep. He half expected Harry to knock on his door—wouldn’t that be his luck? To stare into the face of James and Lily when he could see their eyes in his dreams. They never asked why he hadn’t done more. They never asked why he didn’t save them. But Remus did. He knew Sirius was the spy, but he was away on Order business—he couldn’t have said anything, not the way James so blindly believed his friends would never betray him. It was the “height of dishonor”, he said. But where was James now? Where were any of them now?

Remus didn’t know what more he could have done, but he was certain there was something. There was something. He could have done something to help keep James and Lily alive.

He found himself collapsed back in his desk chair before he realized what he was doing. Wand tip pointed at the expectant map, he didn’t know what else to say. But the word fell from his lips before he could stop it.

_“Why?”_

The Map didn’t have any response to this. Of course it didn’t. It couldn’t know. And four snarky responses only compounded the feeling of loss ripping Remus apart, because those responses were filled with the love they all shared together. They burned into him as he sat so alone, a professor at Hogwarts, and the very thing he never expected to be. He wanted to tell Messre Moony what was about to happen to him, to say goodbye to Prongs, or perhaps warn him though he knew he wouldn’t listen. He wanted to burn Padfoot from the parchment as his family had from the Black family tree, but the Map was so precious, so valuable, that the urge was stayed before it began. 

“Why?” he asked again, though he still expected no answer. Merlin…

His face burned, and he knew it was red before he saw his reflection. His head throbbed, and his throat was tacky and dry. But he laughed. Remus couldn’t tell why he laughed at first. He missed them. The ache was undeniable in his chest. But who these boys were was something to be cherished. Even as he wished for their presence, he realized that what he missed was right here, before him. Better than a photograph, the Map was alive, in it’s own way. It was… bittersweet. But so was everything, these days. 

Remus chuckled again, wiping sorrowful tears from the corners of his eyes to stop them falling. Merlin, he needed some air. …. _And another tea_ , he thought. Just to get away from all of this. God knows he had papers to grade, after all. And so, mug in hand, Professor Lupin closed the door to his office behind him and set the lock, leaving the Map open on his desk to watch his every step down the darkened hallway. 


End file.
